So the last eight days have been pretty awesome.
Last Wednesday Polly invited me out to her house to watch movies. She came and picked me and another friend up and drove us out to her house. When we were almost there she asked me to look in the glovebox and collect all the glass pebbles out of there. I was a little bit ‘?’ but it was the kind of thing Polly would do, so I went with it. Then as we pulled into her driveway I had a jacket thrown over my head. This was where I got a little suss, although Jodie claimed she’d made me something that she didn’t want me to see yet (which was true!). We walked into her house, I was turned around, and 17 girls were standing behind me, yelling ‘surprise!’. I don’t know how, but they’d all managed to keep this a secret for a week, even though I’d seen a good 5 or 6 of them that day. I almost cried!
I had planned a girls’ movie night for my actual birthday, but a lot of them couldn’t come, and Polly and Lochie were off to watch the Warriors play on my birthday night, so they’d decided to do it when they could all come.
Was a good night. I discovered that I fail even more at press-ups than I had previously suspected.
I was once again moderately nonverbal around Juno, and decided after the party that I was going to tell her that I liked her the next time I had an opportunity, so she’d at least have an explanation as to the weird behaviour!
So. The next day I went into work around finish-time, to see if I could borrow the ropes training kit coz everyone’s being re-assessed on their ropes at the moment and I haven’t practised in ages. She got back from her trip while I was there and went to hang stuff up in the drying room. I collected all my limited testicular fortitude, and, after dithering for a good minute or so, headed to that area of the building.
I was probably the least cool I’ve ever been in my life, which IS saying something. First I almost slipped over right in front of her. The conversation went something like this (italics indicate internal monologue):
Me: ‘Can I talk to you?’
Her: ‘Yeah, sure’
Me: holy crap you can’t back out now, just say it (realising at this point that it’s been a good 30 seconds since she finished talking and that I really need to say something) ‘Umm… you know how I’m…well…like this around you?’
Her: ‘I… kind of thought you were just weird in general’ (this is paraphrased, but she DID say this…I think she was trying to make me feel less awkward, coz she smiled when she said it)
Me: ‘Well… yeah, that’s also true! But… it’s because I like you.’
Her: ‘To be honest, I hadn’t really noticed’ (I am slightly confused about this statement, because I think I have mentioned in the past that she has asked Polly at least twice if I am scared of her!)
Me: fuckfuckfuckfuck what do I say now, this just got even more excruciatingly awkward than even I imagined ‘Right, well this was a completely pointless exercise, I’m sorry!’
Her: (I probably don’t need to mention that she looked completely bemused by this point.) ‘I had a good time last night.’
Me: ok that’s not really the response I was expecting ‘Cool, thanks for coming!’
Her: ‘I’m going to hang up some more stuff now.’
And I walked off (did NOT slip over this time!). My friend Moxie was hanging around and offered me a ride home since it was pouring with rain. I accepted and got in the car. She asked me if I was ok, since by this point I was actually shaking and about to cry! I told her and I think she thought it was funny, but was also like ‘omg why would you do that?!’. I’m not sure why I reacted the way I did – I think it was partly a mixture of shock and relief (that I’d finally said something), and fear that she’d hate me or that it would get even more awkward or SOMETHING and yeah… Moxie decided I needed a drink so we collected Al and went out. I had of course already texted Lochie and Polly – Polly popped out of work for a minute to tell me that everything would be fine, which is what she does.
I did have a drink. I had a brandy, and then a cider, and I was feeling a bit better by then. I was also feeling a bit drunk, for the first time in my life! The feeling did wear off later on when I got home, and I started stressing again, and contemplating not going to work the following day.
Did not wimp out of work. Went along as normal. Told a couple of workmates what I did (three of the guys knew I liked her, as a result of a conversation at a party at about 1am. So I told them.) One of them actually gave me a high five, which I did not really feel like I deserved!
Saw Juno a couple of times over the next few days and nothing was any different so I just thought ‘sweet’, and carried on with normal life, although I was kind of stressing that I’d made her uncomfortable, especially since a few of the boys were starting to give me shit at this stage!
In the midst of all this I had my actual birthday, which consisted of a movie with a few mates (including a couple who were down from Wellington, who I hadn’t seen in ages), venison stroganoff, and banoffee pie. Got some awesome presents, including a rainbow curtain and Pooh notepad from Holly, and a DIY eco-bag from Jenny. Some of the girls who were responsible for my party also gave me a Pandora bracelet, which I got on my birthday, and which made me cry again!
Basically I have had one of the best birthdays I can remember and have felt thoroughly spoilt!
Now. Last night. I had an extremely girly day with Lochie and Al (NextDoorNeighbour’s girlfriend), eating junk food and watching ‘The L Word’. Then we decided to go out for dinner (had intended to go out for lunch but kind of mucked around too much, which made NDN mad so we went for dinner without him). Partway through my phone rang with a number I recognised but couldn’t put my finger on (was one of the upstairs offices at work). Picked up. Was Juno. Which Lochie guessed almost straightaway from the look on my face, which was somewhat akin to o.O
Juno wanted to talk to me. Since I was busy we agreed the next night after work instead.
I kind of started stressing again. I do this thing when I’m nervous where I try to take up as little space as possible, usually by hunching my shoulders up and, if sitting down, curling my legs up and hugging my knees. Since I was walking for a lot of the rest of the night, the shoulders were up, the arms were crossed.
By some miracle I managed to sleep last night, but woke up at 6.40 this morning and knew I wouldn’t be sleeping again so went for a 25ishkm bike ride out to the lake, where I sat on the beach for a while and watched the mist drift over the water and the odd fish jump up out of it.
Biked home, cleaned house, did puzzles. Realised I would just stew all day if I stayed by myself so texted a friend, TJ, and we went for a drive and sunbathed (sunburnt tummy – STUPID!) and then I came home and napped and then wandered into town. Since I hadn’t made any definite plans with Juno for when/where, I just went to work since I had to check the mail anyway. Ran into her like I knew I would and we ended up sitting in the sun with a drink.
Was better than I thought it would be. Apparently she hadn’t even realised I’d told her I liked her until about 3 days later when one of the boys said something to her about it and she was like ‘?’, which kind of explains the non-response! Part of the reason she didn’t think I meant it that way was apparently because she thought I was straight (which goes against a couple of things she’s said before, but could have something to do with recent events involving Possum).
Long story short, everything’s fine. I did clarify multiple times that I am fully aware that she is straight (took me three goes to type that word!) and I know I don’t have a chance etc, and also said that I wasn’t going to try to come onto her or anything because I think it’s kind of disrespectful to do that when you KNOW that someone isn’t interested.
I just said that I told her partly because I was afraid someone else would get there first because a few people knew and I know what this town was like, and also that I just wanted her to know that I think she’s awesome. Which is true. I also said I hoped that no-one was giving her shit about it. I’m used to it and fully expected it, but it’s not really fair if they’re hassling her about something I did. She was like ‘Haha no-one gives ME shit!’ (which is true, I don’t think anyone would lol). Although I do know at least one of my friends HAS said something to her (picture the most inappropriate person you know, then multiply them by ten. That’s him. He drove one of the work buses past while we were talking and almost crashed it because he was making some filthy gesture. Then he drove past again! Believe it or not, he is one of my favourite people at work – go figure!) so maybe she was just trying to make me not stress but who knows!
And I think that was kind of it. Oh I did let her know that if she receives a Valentine from me, it’s actually from Aforementioned Inappropriate Friend (he has threatened… so have a couple of others akshully o.O). Which she actually laughed at!
So yes, everything is fine. I hope it continues to be fine and I can keep my promise to be more normal!